Karate Rock (The Kid with Iron Hands) (1990)

Karate Rock (The Kid with Iron Hands) (1990). 1h 30m

“While browsing through a thrift store, I came across a Region 2 release of Antonio Sabatou0026#39;s first movie, an Italian-filmed English language knock-off of THE KARATE KID called THE KID WITH THE IRON HANDS (A.K.A. KARATE ROCK). Now, I like karate B-movies, but I can honestly say that this here is not only the worst KARATE KID derivative I have ever seen, but it is also the single worst martial arts picture I have watched in my life. There is so very little redeeming value to this illogically-made movie that it baffles me – how can anybody make a film about martial arts thatu0026#39;s so deficient in all aspects of cinematic entertainment? Well, director Fabrizio de Angelis found a way, and everybody reading this review ought to be glad you havenu0026#39;t heard of this debacle before.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe story follows the basic KARATE KID premise – a new kid on the block (Sabato) runs afoul of the local karate-practicing bully (Andrew Parker) because of a girl (Natalie Hendrix) and ends up learning the martial arts from a wizened old master (Robert Chan) to save his social life – but itu0026#39;s the laziest and most flawed retelling ever. Iu0026#39;m not even sure if the film deserves the word u0026quot;karateu0026quot; in its title, since Sabatou0026#39;s character doesnu0026#39;t learn the martial arts until the final 18 minutes of the movie. Seem like a short time? – the characters agree, with the bully making a comment indicating that only a single day passes between Antonio learning the moves and his climactic showdown. Until then, the plot revolves almost singularly around a popularity contest between them, highlighted by a set of car races.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eOf the few low-budget Italian films that Iu0026#39;ve seen, none of them have been very good, but this oneu0026#39;s lack of sophistication stands out; itu0026#39;s practically at Joe Du0026#39;Amato levels of klutziness. On the technical side, the movie not only features poor visual quality, but is also filled with unnecessary exit shots (cars driving away, characters walking away), unsettling close-ups, unfathomable emphasis on minor characters making throwaway comments, obvious dubbing of charactersu0026#39; voices, and an awful electronic soundtrack. Dramatically, the performers need to contend with forced dialogue clearly not penned by a native English speaker. A lot of the writing is simply awkward, like how everybody in Antonio Sabatou0026#39;s new homestead immediately knows his name and everything about his past. Aesthetically, the movie is boring to look at, with an unexciting color palate and dreary visuals.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eI like to talk about a filmu0026#39;s action content in my reviews, but in this case thereu0026#39;s so little to talk about that it hardly merits its own section. Disregard the cover art: Antoniou0026#39;s shirt is never ripped to shreds and there are no muscular black men or switchblades in this movie. Throughout the course of 92 minutes, our hero is beaten up twice, partakes in two car races, endures one training montage, and has the necessary finale with the bully afterward – *none* of it any good. Literally nothing happens during the races – no crashing, no overtaking, not even any turns being made – and both of the encounters which actually include karate qualify as among the worst fights ever filmed…well, at least one of them does, since the other is such a quick, one-sided beat-u0026#39;im-up that it hardly qualifies as a fight. Iu0026#39;m convinced that the director actually became embarrassed of the quality of the final showdown, since the way the onlookersu0026#39; heads obscure the action seems intentional.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe worst of this movieu0026#39;s offenses is that itu0026#39;s so boring. Admittedly, I cracked up laughing a couple times, but these were fits of disbelief at how shoddy of a piece of work I was watching. Mirth and amusement were far removed as I sat through this, the only relief from which came of knowing that Iu0026#39;d never ever have to watch it again. Since Fabrizio de Angelis has made other movies, itu0026#39;s very possible that there are worse martial arts pictures out there, but again, in my experience, this one personally takes the cake and throws it against a wall.”