Cold Play (2008)

Cold Play: Directed by Geno Andrews, D. David Morin. With Vanessa Branch, D. David Morin, Geno Andrews, Ignacio Serricchio. A multi millionaire suspects his wife of having an affair. He hires a private eye to tail her but they form a romantic alliance of their own and plot to steal the husband’s 20 million dollar Imperial Egg.

“I stumbled on the enigmatically named u0026quot;Cold Playu0026quot; in the thriller section of Netflix and sat transfixed for an hour and a half, genuinely stupefied.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eNot because it was intriguing or well-made, but because I couldnu0026#39;t figure out the MOTIVE for making it. It just had to be for a tax credit, I thought. It had vanity project (or seat of the pants indie) written all over it: David Morin and Geno Andrews star in, write, and direct themselves through large portions of this movie, to ill effect. It reeks of C-level Cable TV…nonsensical plotting, wooden/overwrought acting and a script that stabs frantically at all the right emotional hot buttons (ooh, the rich guy is such a bastard — the private eye is so crazy-sexy-creepy), but doesnu0026#39;t deliver anything you havenu0026#39;t seen before. Itu0026#39;s so dead-on that it numbs you.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eMorin (who looks disturbingly like George W. Bush Jr. here) plays Winston Thorpe, an obsessive egomaniac who is as bland as his characteru0026#39;s supposedly upper-crust name. Andrews plays the sleazy private dick he hires to tail his wife (another TV stalwart, Vanessa Branch), with an accent that seems to intentionally parody a poor- manu0026#39;s Stephen Rea. The movie opens with both men being questioned by the cops, in the wake of Branchu0026#39;s apparent murder.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe u0026quot;mysteryu0026quot; (and itu0026#39;s not much) not withstanding, what really sunk this film for me was its inauthentic tone and inattention to details…which is really criminal considering the money that was spent on it. Yes, a million is kind of chump change for a movie, but keep in mind this was made on a Mac-budget. The amount spent on the rental of Thorpeu0026#39;s spectacular beach house and cars alone could have funded a much more decent feature. But, back to the problems.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eHereu0026#39;s a sampler: 1) Thorpe has $20 million to plunk down on a Russian czaru0026#39;s gold and diamond-laden egg, but only has money to pay ONE full time staff at his mansion? No, he makes his wife run all over the state (the one he mistrusts vehemently) purchasing priceless works of art and Coy fish for him. Totally logical. The fact that both Thorpe and his wife drive themselves everywhere, with absolutely no protection, is a bit of a stretch, considering the income bracket they appear to occupy. 2) Branch is seen at intervals getting what appear to be regular injections from her gardener (the one staffer mentioned above). Her detail-crazed husband never asks about the needle marks though. 3) Andrews parades around with a swastika on his throat…lives in a dump…but drives a brand new Cooper. Just the type of guy a multi- millionaire would hire to tail his wife. The biggest problem is with Thorpeu0026#39;s character though…Branch says he is u0026quot;capable of anythingu0026quot; and a u0026quot;monsteru0026quot; but he comes off more as a pathetic poor little rich boy. At least give the guy some menacing thugs he can order about.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThis kind of sloppiness is either borne of incompetence or of an attitude that the average TV watcher wouldnu0026#39;t know the difference anyway. It robs this movie of even being sleazy fun…the sex scenes are almost antiseptic. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eUgh, I hate leaving reviews like this for movies that have NO published reviews…save for one critical review that looks like it was written by an insider. It smacks of kicking a panting puppy. Obviously these guys are earnest in their intentions and probably want to do a good job…but itu0026#39;s just not there…ANYWHERE…in u0026quot;Cold Play.u0026quot;”