Legend of Hell (2012)

Legend of Hell: Directed by Olaf Ittenbach. With Karen Breece, Wayne Darrin, Martina Ittenbach, Daryl Jackson. Three unlikely allies must team up to save humanity when the portal to hell is opened and the undead begin to walk the earth. The group races to find an artifact of great power to close the portal before all hope is lost.

“Unfortunately, the version of Legend of Hell that I saw was severely cut, devoid of all of its juicy gore, which is a bit like playing Metallicau0026#39;s Master of Puppets with the sound turned down really low—practically pointless. Not that I think that the inclusion of buckets of OTT violence would have improved matters all that much: Ittenbach used to be content with being the king of underground German splatter, where shoddy direction and poor acting were excusable just so long as people were graphically torn apart in creative ways, but now it seems that he wants to be the next Uwe Boll, his films more ambitious in terms of scope, boasting a larger cast and barely passable CGI, yet completely lacking in narrative cohesion, competent performances, and directorial acumen—and most importantly, no longer possessing that low-budget charm of his early work. In short, Legend of Hell is a total stinker.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eI wonu0026#39;t go too much into the plot, because, quite frankly, I didnu0026#39;t have a clue as to what was going on from start to finish. Suffice to say that the film hops from time period to time period, and from place to place, with no semblance of logic, and introduces characters with little explanation as to who they are and what relevance they have to proceedings. Thereu0026#39;s a bad guy who wants to get his paws on an ancient scroll, an archaeologist who leans over so you can see down her top while she examines artefacts, a bald black dude who canu0026#39;t even roll down a sand dune convincingly, and a pair of random barbarians. The dialogue that these poor saps have to utter is trite fantasy waffle of the highest order. These guys randomly do battle with the evil denizens of the astral plane—dark breeds, head rippers, the greys, and the zombies that roam the City of the Dead—which is where the gore comes in. Unless you too are watching a heavily censored version.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eIn the name of fairness, Iu0026#39;m going to hold back on rating Legend of Hell until I can find a fully uncut version, but I really canu0026#39;t see it being that much more of an enjoyable (or understandable) experience.”