Silver Shoes (2015)

Silver Shoes: Directed by Jennifer Lyon Bell. With Liandra Dahl, Annabelle Lee, Joost Smoss, Yvette Luhrs. Three explicit erotic stories. First, Annabelle finds out about her friend Liandra’s masculine side and Liandra seduces her. Then, Anabelle gets turned on by a piece of clothing. Finally, Liandra hooks up with her friend’s guy friend.

“My dislike of phony movie u0026quot;awardsu0026quot; knows no bounds, so the accolade granted u0026quot;Silver Shoesu0026quot; by a feminist group raised my hackles. Sure enough, this desultory film, basically short subjects padded out to barely feature length, rests on the creaky foundation of not being porn, and thereby somehow being u0026quot;quality cinemau0026quot;.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eQuite the contrary: writer-director Jennifer Lyon Bell who proudly lectures on cinema in Europe from her base in Amsterdam has been making these amateurish films for a decade, with results far below the quality level of even hack pornographers. Her movies are ersatz-porn, put on a pedestal by folks and like-minded would-be experts who dismiss porn (even its rare quality productions) out of hand and basically try to re-invent the wheel when it comes to portraying eroticism on screen.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eSuch films, and there are many in not the silver shoes but rather u0026quot;Silver Spoonu0026quot; category like Michael Winterbottomu0026#39;s pitiful u0026quot;9 Songsu0026quot; or various French junk by Ovidie and Gaspar Noe (u0026quot;Irreversibleu0026quot; and u0026quot;Loveu0026quot;) or even Lars von Trieru0026#39;s execrable u0026quot;Nymphomaniacu0026quot; and u0026quot;Antichristu0026quot;.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBack to Ms. Bell -her approach reminds me of the minimalism championed by Chantal Akerman, whose early in career erotic work u0026quot;Je Tu Il Ellesu0026quot; I liked when shown here 40 years ago. But Jennifer makes the mistake of leaving her germs of ideas stillborn, not fleshed out in the final script or shoot and mere springboards for explicit sex. Itu0026#39;s not gonzo but then again itu0026#39;s hardly storyline porn either, emerging as merely u0026quot;artsyu0026quot; (fartsy?).u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe three segments are all set in a prosaic apartment, rating zero in terms of production values. u0026quot;Undressedu0026quot; is built on the premise that u0026quot;indieu0026quot; porn star, thick-bushed Liandra Dahl, likes to express and balance the masculine with the feminine side of her personality by wearing menu0026#39;s clothes, specifically underwear. This 1/2-hour saga has all the depth and artistry of a Calvin Klein commercial and Iu0026#39;ve seen not dozens but literally hundreds of better-made (in every way) and more arousing (by far) lesbian videos from card-carrying Porn labels like Girlfriends Films and Sweetheart Video. Liandrau0026#39;s emphasis on a two-way dildo (which she brought to the production from home) plays more like product placement than artistic content.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBrief middle segment (13 minutes in duration) spotlights Liandrau0026#39;s Chatsworth-based co-star AnnaBelle Lee in a solo masturbation turn. The DVDu0026#39;s more interesting interview footage explains how Lee tapped a Proustian sense memory when she grasped a jacket from the closet of the apartmentu0026#39;s owner, inspiring her to cry and carry on in this vignette, which like so much of auteur Bellu0026#39;s work seems intentionally cryptic. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eA male of the species is added for the big finale u0026quot;Mimosau0026quot; (a drink imbibed at a hen party plus one brunch hosted by Liandra for her Amsterdam gal pals). He is the untalented Joost Smoss, a grinning nincompoop who possesses a big dick, which in art films as well as REAL porn is a prerequisite for any would-be actor in the 21st Century. (The last porn epic I can recall of any pedigree that starred a guy with a small dick was Oshimau0026#39;s breakthrough u0026quot;In the Realm of the Sensesu0026quot;, some 40 years ago.)u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eDreadful semi-improvised dialog has the cheery but empty girls chatting ad nauseum about nothing, ending with Liandra embarrassingly assuming guest Joost is gay, as she wonders out loud why she fails so miserably at attracting beaus of the opposite sex. After her blushing at finding out she jumped to the wrong (and un-p.c.) conclusion about Joost it takes only mere seconds for him not only to forgive her but to hump her. Of course she must leave the room at one point after heavy petting to fetch the safe- sex condom, and the poorly executed woman-on-top XXX scene ends without a money shot -that would be porn! To say it fails in the erotic department is an understatement.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBellu0026#39;s DVD extras even admit flat out that she had to delete a segment of Joost in one (analogous to Leeu0026#39;s entrau0026#39;acte turn) masturbating to a photo of Liandra and AnnaBelle, because u0026quot;it confused audiencesu0026quot;. Thatu0026#39;s a euphemism for half-baked results, a cop-out that applies to the entire feature.”