A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

A Talking Cat!?!: Directed by David DeCoteau. With Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, Justin Cone, Janis Valdez. A sassy feline helps a family resolve its problems.

“Much like Orpheus walked into the dark depths of Hades, I myself peered into u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethe fiery brimstone and ashen realm of Hell to find a movie so bad, so detestable, that it u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003emakes everything else ever produced in this world look like The Godfather. A movie so u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eutterly terrible that even Michael Bay would cringe at the mere sight of it. I am, of u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ecourse, talking about A Talking Cat!?! By David DeCoteau.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eYes, I did not add those punctuation marks. The legitimate title of this movie is: A u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eTalking Cat!?! It seems even the film itself is confused to how anybody allowed it to be u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eproduced. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThis movie was created in 2013. Unsurprisingly, it was a Direct-To- DVD release. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThat means that this abomination was not shown off in theaters, which is a relief, as the u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003epoor children who watched it would have had their eyeballs burned to oblivion.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe only redeemable quality in this film is how laughably bad it is. It makes for u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003egood entertainment if you just want to lie around, feel like absolute garbage, and riff a u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003echildrenu0026#39;s movie about a talking cat who speaks with his lips MS- Painted on. No, really, u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethatu0026#39;s how the beast talks. His mouth is digitally painted black to represent an open u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003emouth, but instead resembles an unending void of chaos and despair, hoping to leech u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eaway at this mortal coil.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBefore we discuss the plot, letu0026#39;s talk about production. This movie had a budget u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eof one-million dollars. One. Million. Dollars. I can only assume that a hundred bucks u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ewent into the actual movie, and the rest of the money went into all the crazy drugs they u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eused while creating this flick. You know what else had a budget of one million dollars? u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eRocky. Rocky was a pretty good film. That proves that it was not the budget that u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003edecided the quality of this movie. The reason A Talking Cat!?! is so bad is because Mr. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eDeCoteau was probably too busy tripping to be worried about, oh, I donu0026#39;t know, how u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003egood his film is!u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBut I digress. The film revolves around a….wait for it….talking cat. What a shock. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eHe is voiced by Eric Roberts. Do you know who that is? Neither do I. The gruff-voice for u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethe tiny cat is pretty surprising, but even more surprising then that is that Roberts spent u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003e15 minutes recording dialogue for this film in his living room. Only 15 minutes. For a u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eprofessional voice actor, and the main character, that is not enough time.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe cat protagonist, named Duffy, is a magical talking cat. Okay. I can believe u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethat. But what I canu0026#39;t believe is that this talking is limited so that he can only speak to a u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eperson once, and just once. What kind of a lame power is that? If youu0026#39;re only going to u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ehave one line for each character in the movie (note: 6 characters in the movie) then why u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ecall this movie A Talking Cat!?! if said talking cat barely even talks?u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eWe get to see how the cat helps people with their problems. Specifically, a father u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003enamed Phil, played by Johnny Whitaker, who is like if that one scientist from Jurassic u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ePark became twice as eccentric and three times as obnoxious. Who are the other u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003echaracters, you ask? Who cares? They barely deserve any recognition. I looked up the u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003efour other actors, and it says a lot that their most prominent work is A Talking Cat!?! u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThis movie is like a plague. If you are in any way involved in it, youu0026#39;ve dug your own u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003egrave.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eLetu0026#39;s get into the conflict of the movie. Philu0026#39;s son, WhatsHisFace, is mean to his u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003efather. Why? I donu0026#39;t even know. The father, even though he decorates the inside of his u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ehouse with trees and weird statues, doesnu0026#39;t seem like a bad guy. So whyu0026#39;s the son u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ehostile to him? To drive the plot. Thatu0026#39;s all this movie is. An awful talking cat and a u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ebunch of things that only exist to drive the plot. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe rest of the story is just nonsense. Half of itu0026#39;s not even story. At least a third of u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethe movie are establishing shots of forests and characters slowly walking up stairs or u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eempty hallways. u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThis movie makes me physically ill to watch. Itu0026#39;s almost as if somebody crafted u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ethis piece just to torture me for all of eternity. If you get to buy one DVD this year, donu0026#39;t u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003ebuy A Talking Cat!?! Wait, no. Better idea. Buy the DVD and then burn it. Burn it to the u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eground. The satisfaction that you will get from destroying this film will be worth the u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003emoney.”