Anaconda: Offspring (TV Movie 2008)

Anaconda: Offspring: Directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy. With David Hasselhoff, Crystal Allen, Ryan McCluskey, Patrick Regis. A mercenary-for-hire accepts a mission from a billionaire to capture a dangerous snake that could possibly help cure a terminal illness.

“When a film features David Hasselhoff and his crack team of snake-fighting mercenaries facing off against a 60-foot-long genetically altered anaconda before the opening credits even roll, any fan of B-movie cheese can arguably presume theyu0026#39;re in for a good time. Hasselhoffu0026#39;s self-deprecating humor and strange otherworldly charm make him an endearing punchline, and also translates well into the world of Sci Fi Channel stardom. Sadly, after that opening scene, The Hoff all but disappears for the next 45 minutes of the film, and what starts with campy reptile-killinu0026#39; fun quickly spirals into boring laboratory diatribes about the dangers of gene manipulation and the real-world uses of unlikely immortality drugs.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eAlthough the ads would lead one to believe otherwise, ANACONDA III actually centers on Amanda (Crystal Allen), a scientist who works for Universal Bio-Tech and the nefarious—and appropriately named—Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies, obviously still fuming over not being included in the new Indiana Jones film). It seems that heu0026#39;s been playing God with the reptilian world and has somehow managed to create an anaconda thatu0026#39;s not only larger and angrier than any snake on Earth, but sports a three-foot machete growing out of its tail. This Ginsu butt comes into play numerous times during the film, and while the results are always spectacularly gory, a serpentu0026#39;s bladed posterior is inescapably difficult to take seriously.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eSince all B-movie snakes carry the cure for (insert disease here), another round of unethical testing is underway, and it isnu0026#39;t long before our slithering behemoth breaks out of its cage, knocks off everyone but Amanda and her boss and heads out into the lush green wilderness of Romania. Itu0026#39;s only then that Hasselhoffu0026#39;s Hammett and a group of ALIENS space-Marine rejects (resembling the United Colors of Benetton) are hired to eradicate the monster, which has taken up residence in a nearby farmhouse. With that, weu0026#39;ve now got the prerequisite team of Special Ops, the cheap sets and the giant CG monster…everything required for a yet another weak entry in the recent string of bland Sci Fi Channel originals.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eDirector Don E. FauntLeroy, who served as DP on the JEEPERS CREEPERS movies and nearly 50 other films, has managed to shoot a good-looking feature, but fills it with every painful cliché imaginable. First-time screenwriters Nicholas Davidoff and David Olson sprinkle in occasionally fun dialogue, but their script is ultimately burdened down with bland characters and extremely corny, uninspired plot twists. Hasselhoffu0026#39;s Hammett, a fun antihero who deserves more screen time (and one-liners), is delegated to a glorified supporting role beneath far less interesting characters. Rhys-Davies, whose cameo appearances work quite well, will hopefully receive a beefier role in ANACONDA IV (the direct sequel shot back to back with this movie, scheduled to debut this December); otherwise, he served virtually no purpose at all. Itu0026#39;s only Allen as the spunky Amanda who breathes any life into her role; a surprise, given her lack of substantial film experience prior to headlining this one. Unfortunately, given the material, even she has trouble rising above the movieu0026#39;s stupendous mediocrity. When all is said and done, ANACONDA III should have been a much better film, but it also could have been much worse. The cast is sorely mismanaged, the plot is all over the board and the digital FX—particularly a handful of atrocious greenscreen driving shots—are by-and-large laughable, but the cast and crew obviously worked hard with what little they had. With any luck, this sequelu0026#39;s surviving characters will find more to do in the next entry, and weu0026#39;ll end up with a film thatu0026#39;s not just meatier, but more entertaining. A direct-to-cable second follow-up to a creature feature headlined by J. Lo and Ice Cube doesnu0026#39;t need to be a masterpiece, but it should be passable as an eveningu0026#39;s fleeting distraction. ANACONDA III is just barely that, but itu0026#39;s still regrettable that something as inherently amusing as David Hasselhoff fighting a giant snake couldnu0026#39;t have ended up just the slightest bit more fun.”