Terror on the Beach (TV Movie 1973)

Terror on the Beach (TV Movie 1973). 1h 14m

“You might be a bit confused if you watch this silly made-for from the beginning, since the credits list Susan Dey as u0026quot;Special Guest Star.u0026quot; Um, why would a one-off MOW like this have a guest star? Well, if you stick with it, youu0026#39;ll find yourself paying attention to little else but Ms. Deyu0026#39;s butt, wiggling in a flowered bikini as the u0026quot;Partridge Familyu0026quot; house babe frolics on the beach to which that imaginative title alludes. Susanu0026#39;s derrière is especially compelling when she shakes it at the camera while teasing and tickling her pseudo-disaffected brother in one mildly incestuous scene. Sadly, Susie and her tush fight a losing battle: the jiggle-TV craze that might have put that bottom over the top was three years off, so that sweet booty just gets a supporting role. In 1976 Fat Freddy Silverman would have put that behind right out front and used this flick as Susanu0026#39;s audition tape for u0026quot;Charlieu0026#39;s Angels.u0026quot; As is, our Susan was denied cheesecake immortality and had to settle for a very commendable career playing somber, neurotic women.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThe view beyond Susanu0026#39;s heinie, it must be said, is not very compelling. The scenery is nice, and photographed in a bizarre, hazy way that briefly fools you into thinking there might be some quirky creative intelligence at work behind the camera. Nope. Itu0026#39;s just a typically suspense-challenged 70u0026#39;s made-for-TV thriller that allowed weekly series stars to make some extra cash(and collect some cable residuals, though they obviously didnu0026#39;t know that at the time) and show off their u0026quot;range.u0026quot; Here weu0026#39;re treated to a TV-scale nuclear family, squaring off against TV-scale thugs who canu0026#39;t decide whether theyu0026#39;re a motorcycle gang or a hippie cult (thus the filmmakers split the difference by putting them in dune buggies) and have never learned one of the primary lessons of 1970s television: donu0026#39;t mess with Dennis Weaver (see u0026quot;McCloudu0026quot; and u0026quot;Duelu0026quot;). The only potential for depth in this movie is in the aforementioned teenage-son character of Steve, played by the long-forgotten (if ever-remembered) Kristoffer Tabori, who is supposed to be rebellious and troubled and might feel some sympathy for and attraction to the lawless mob that is (supposedly) menacing his family. But Steve, as played by Tabori (gosh, why didnu0026#39;t we see more from this wunderkind?), is actually just grumpy and moody and isnu0026#39;t one bit conflicted when big D gets serious and draws a line in the proverbial (and literal) sand. For the sleep-deprived and Susan Deyniacs (there must be some of you out there) only.”