Blood River (2019)

Blood River (2019). 1h 30m | Not Rated

“That should be the whole review but Iu0026#39;m supposed to write more.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eMaybe there is one reason to watch this. You could get a few laughs at the expense of the ridiculous plot and wooden acting.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eThere are some things that really boggle oneu0026#39;s mind though. A serious filmmaker shouldnu0026#39;t make so many dumb mistakes in one movie. There is so much nonsense in this movie that you have to wonder how it got funded and produced.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eRight off the bat you know what youu0026#39;re in for as far as acting is concerned. The dialogue is wooden and slow. These people wouldnu0026#39;t be able to act if their lives depended on it. Linnea Quigley doesnu0026#39;t care. Sheu0026#39;s there for the check. She didnu0026#39;t even bother to remove her upper lip piercing even though a part of the story happens during the American Civil war. Thereu0026#39;s a bunch of female nudity in the movie but none of the women are attractive.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eBlood River is a town that consists of three shacks and has six inhabitants in total. Two of them are vampires. Thereu0026#39;s a bar, a garage and a boarding house. Thereu0026#39;s a lot of woods.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eOne of the girls gets turned into a vampire. Her fake dentures look like horseu0026#39;s teeth. The second girl that gets turned winds up without her nose. The vampire queen has a couple of extension cords coming out from her lady parts and she sucks blood with them. The guys who fight the vampires just happen to have holy water in their pockets. Things like that happen throughout the movie for no reason whatsoever.u003cbr/u003eu003cbr/u003eIts hard to find the right words to describe just how bad this movie really is. The acting is terrible. The plot is inane. Things just happen for no reason. The special effects and gore arenu0026#39;t that special. This is an example of pure schlock coming from director Christopher Forbes. Its only watchable for the so bad its actually funny factor. Just make sure you donu0026#39;t pay a single penny to watch it. That would be exactly one penny too much.”